Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
