remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
