Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
