i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
