Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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