I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is my gift to your gina
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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