dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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