so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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