You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
