Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
