Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
