I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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