is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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