i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
