I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
