That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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