The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
