Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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