i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
