I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need water and some morals
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
