My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
