Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
