I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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