Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
