Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm having to shit out rocks
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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