I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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