I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
did i walk over a car last night?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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