sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
