i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
