I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
