I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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