4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
