direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
