I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Randomize
