If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
