okay pat passed out under dana's car
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
