Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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