I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
