ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
no, he came in my armpit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
