Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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