He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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