things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
