and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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