Only a mothe r could love this liver
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
