I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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