i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
