my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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