I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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