Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
