i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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