i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
