This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
