She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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