Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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