does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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