Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
