I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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