I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Two words: blizzard sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
