It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
