apparently the secret to your success is patron
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
