Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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