just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
