I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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